Whilst surfing this afternoon, this job advert for “Trainee Journalists” caught my eye:
Britain’s most successful newspaper group is offering would-be reporters, writers and sub-editors an exciting and challenging year-long training course, plus the chance to work at the Daily Mail and Mail Online.
- We are looking for bright, sharp, intelligent writers and subs who believe they can be fast-tracked to the very top
- You’ll be on the best journalism course in the business – and be paid a competitive salary while you train
- Successful applicants will probably have completed postgraduate journalism training or had experience working in newspapers
To apply send your CV, 200 words on why you want to be a Mail journalist and six examples of your work to email@example.com by February 10. Please specify your preference, if any, for a subbing or reporting trainee
Wow, I thought. What an opportunity. So I decided to send “Sue” my statement which I’ve reproduced below. Whilst I don’t really want too much competition for this job, maybe some of you guys should think of applying? Stick your 200 word statements in the comments section if you like and I’ll make sure she gets them.
I read-with great excitement-your advert seeking trainee journalists for The Daily Mail and I believe that there is so much I could offer to such a highly esteemed, opinion forming and consistently high quality publication. I will attempt to elaborate.
My love for The Mail began from an early age when my father- an avid reader of your paper himself- would often chase me round the house with a rolled up copy, beating me furiously as he became convinced that I had entered Britain illegally and, moreover, was slipping carcinogenic substances into his porridge. Later, just prior to his confinement, my mother and I would visit him daily to deliver copies to the faeces smeared, tinfoil-insulated shack he had constructed at the bottom of our garden. Such fond memories. Thusly, I decided to dedicate myself to becoming one of the trailblazing journalists for whom he held such admiration and who brought him so many happy hours of ill-informed, apoplectic rage.
Over the course of my academic studies, have received many citations from senior professors who felt compelled to go beyond their remit and inform me of their feedback in person. I feel that these references lend compelling support to my application for a position with The Daily Mail
“Your work shows to me that a basic grasp of the difference between fact and conjecture is no longer a requirement for entry into university” – Prof. R. Bumgardener
“The use of evidence in this argument is so misleading as to constitute academic fraud. Or it would be if I could make any sense of what you are talking about” – Prof. K Akabusi
“I really don’t know why you bothered to write this at all. It’s just terrible. You are terrible” – Dr. No
I am a quick learner and can turn my hand to all forms of prejudice based pseudo-journalism. I have previously self-published many articles on the walls of local public toilets tackling subjects as diverse as “The 10 best bulldozers for clearing gypsy camps” and “Public Sector Immigrants: Are they pissing in hospital soup?”
In conclusion, taking me on as a trainee is a decision you would not regret. I would make every effort to ensure that nothing, absolutely, nothing I wrote would have any grounding in compassion, evidence or sanity and that my authorial voice would shriek loud and without logic; as incoherent and hateful as any of your current employees.
I look forward to discussing this application with you.
Little Richardjohn III
p.s. I regret that I am unable to provide you with the requested 6 examples of my work as the majority of my files are being investigated by the police on a different matter. I hope to have this situation resolved promptly.